Am I attention seeking?
Not that the world revolves around me 😂
Not to say my life is in its worst state but huh? I want to rant and have that AS(Attention Seeking) moment.
Here I am, sitting in my bed with a lot of thoughts on my mind and I feel like I am drowning in the silence around me and the noise in my head while I can't sleep . And to be honest, my mind is not a good place I should be right now because I am hurt,sad, pressured and procrastinating, each feeding the other until I am too overwhelmed to move.
For context, my physical hurt is due to many small wounds I acquired in different ways ;ones I know being due to scissors while trimming ends of my wool braids, other due to shoes that constantly rubbed my above the heel place(I do not know the name really) while I was walking to church and I didn't even pray because it is those tiny wounds that hurt ALOT than the bigger ones ! Other wounds popped from nowhere!!!!!!
They were literally making me not follow a thing in the service trying to position myself so that I do not feel the pain while not disturbing others! The self conscious me thought all eyes were on the girl who was barely standing with shoes off. They were zooming at me literally ( which they were not, because always everyone- but me is minding their business in their own drama)
For the sadness it is due to two hurtful stories and a boyfriend. One of the stories was from here on substack, another on ticktok or more Twitter thread on tiktok, but I will spare you details(they are about miserable women). Not going to lie, I felt stupidly emotional and I cried due to them which was enhanced by my missing my boyfriend and staying alone for a longer time than necessary because even when I went to sit with my sisters, none of them talked to me because they were mindlessly scrolling through internet😓! And I just wanted someone to be there and talk about the stories and gist in general! But That is not what we signed up for in this generation of reels and scrolls, right?
The more triggering part about my boyfriend was after all that emotional turmoil, there was stupid bet we made I thought about well the significance later. I challenged him that he couldn't spend the rest of July without meeting me at all and he said he can and 'fill the gap other ways' (Sounds really sus and dumb in hindsight tbh) . In my emotional selfish self, I needed him to be there for me but I knew he was working the whole day which made him tired and he wasn't taking my calls! I know I can be pretty dramatic and very annoying when I have a lot negativity on my mind! I do not want to speak, I do want to speak too but if only you let me be silent for an hour on the phone staring at you while crying and answering with 'I am fine' and 'I do not know at every question', then I will shutdown. How I wished my mood would not affect his too and say sweet little nothings when he finally called me back😩.
Now with the loneliness kicking in and the thought of not seeing him till August, even though now I am near him made me a wreck inside.
Then there are the infamous *Tasks*. Tasks only I can accomplish at home because I am the eldest or the team player. Yet the good girl I am is either ignoring them or saying the famous word 'later'. And the tasks are : automobile learning and road rules, teaching my sister English or atleast persuade her to take English courses which she doesn't want at all , setting tasks and timelines for a school project I mostly forget exists, manage home finances because mom is gone and left those responsibilities to me until she is back and now I am panicking because financials are bad, sis is crying at the mention of English, and the road rule book is in my mother Tongue I have complications understanding because I know more french and English words for stuff they are mentioning in Kinyarwanda and I feel like a failure to my heritage!
But I am to look fine and be strong so that everyone stays confident and trusting I am doing everything correctly and comfortably. However, I am very exhausted, especially internally because I need to meet everyone's expectations while I am lonely inside.
Nonetheless, I know I will be back tomorrow with a better mood and I will try to put up a better plan because this is just a life phase that ends right?
And, a reminder to please try to be there for people close to you because you might be their emotional support in the moment and do not be like me ( wanting to not talk and wanting to talk at the same time). It is exhausting and null hhh.
Hey love,
You remind me so much of myself when I was your age; overthinking, overfeeling, overwhelmed, and trying so hard to hold it all together with a smile while quietly unraveling inside. Let me say something upfront: you’re not crazy. You’re human.
The truth is, you’re navigating a flood of feelings–loneliness, pressure, longing, guilt, expectations–and you’re doing it in a culture where everyone seems busy scrolling, distracted, or emotionally unavailable. That ache you feel to be seen, to talk and not talk at the same time? I know that ache like a second skin.
But here’s something I’ve learned: You are not your emotions.
They’re real, yes. They matter. But they don’t define you. They’re not permanent. They’re like weather. Some days, a hurricane. Other days, a breeze. If you can learn to watch them rather than become them, you’ll start to find peace even in chaos.
I want to say this: it does get better. But not magically, and not with age alone. It gets better when you start practicing the truth that your emotions are visitors—not rulers. It gets better when you stop trying to be everything to everyone and start being something steady for yourself. And it gets better when you begin to know: I am enough, even when I’m messy. This is just my three cents, takes what you think would work for you. 😉
You’ve already started that journey—just by writing all of this. Keep writing. Keep feeling. But don’t forget to pause, breathe, and separate what’s happening from what you are.
You are light. Even on the heavy days.
With love,
A woman who once sat in her bed, too overwhelmed to move—but got up anyway.😊